Blog 5, Day 50

I’ve decided without a computer that writing these blogs is difficult, especially when most of what I say is mentioned in my daily social media posts.

The best way to view the posts anonymously (if for some reason you aren’t on social media) is via instagram.com/bigmtnskier (and then you can look back through all the pics and the associated story for the day).

However I shall write one today about me and my health, and where I’m at.

I still have my ups and downs, and I have ways of managing them through various techniques, exercises, and brain training (but importantly this does still involve medication).

Common thinking occurrences on the ‘down’ side of things is not having stability, not feeling successful, not having a partner, and lack of motivation. I guess thoughts of not being a ‘Society Norm’.

I have found ways of re-training my thoughts around most of these as they present themselves, but some are more difficult than others. And it’s the days where you wake up in the wrong state of mind that it’s the hardest to shake them.

Today is a bit like that. The uneventful reflection days, that can easily lead towards the depressed days. Today it is snowing moderately, and I’m very in touch with keeping track of the weather so knew it was coming. When I woke it wasn’t snowing yet, so almost decided to go and do something fun for the day. But given that it was due to be ‘day snow’ (typically wetter and heavier in Australia) I opted to look after the tent and chill for the day.

When you have time on your hands doing ‘nothing’ (which also includes reading or listening to music etc) your brain starts doing ‘everything’. You can end up thinking about everything, negative things from the past, shit going on in the present, and fears or anxiety about the future.

There are physical things that your body has to do during the day (such as go outside to go to the toilet and eat etc) and things that you need to do to go about life if you want to live happily (like bang snow off your tent). If you don’t do these necessary tasks (whatever they are in life), life can get difficult/miserable. I wouldn’t want to be sleeping next to a pile of poo in my tent just because I didn’t want to get up and go outside now would I?

The mental side of the day becomes amplified. It makes you feel paralysed. Things you know you could do (in particular physical activities or mentally distracting tasks), but aren’t necessary (yet), get overcome by your thoughts about life.

And before I get everyone messaging or calling to ask if I’m ok, I am ok. I communicate privately with those I choose to, for a chat, or for help, when needed. And I talk to people that I feel would best understand my situation at the time. But yes it’s almost dinner time and I’m still in the tent.

I also have become heightened in being aware of any thoughts getting me down, and being able to accept them, and whether they are past present or future I can usually find a way to let those thoughts just be.

On the flipside of all that there are days where even negative things become funny.

Those are the good days. The days when everything feels perfect for whatever activity or task you want to do for the day. You feel motivated, and you get up and you do shit, enjoyable shit all day long.

The other day was the first day in a long time it was proper bluebird. No gale force wind, no snow falling but plenty on the ground, and the sun shining brightly from the moment it rose.  My start to that day involved me waking up, being uncertain as to what would face me outside the door, being greeted by a bluebird day, then getting up to go to the toilet.  The snow had drifted in the lower half of the 2 part door on the nearby toilet, and I didn’t have my shovel on hand. I climbed in through the top half, and then after I went to get out I realised I was locked in.  I laughed.  I laughed really hard because I thought it was just a quirky little life test for my happy day ahead.  Instead of getting angry and trying to kick the door down I looked for a better solution.  I took one of my snow gaiter’s off, and using the string that goes under the foot I managed to hook the latch on the outside of the door and get out.

That is one of those days where nothing can get you down, and everything that could even remotely be negative becomes a fun challenge to the day.

It hasn’t been all bluebird days or perfect wind, but then there also hasn’t been anywhere near as many negative or sad days.

I have had a mixture of all sorts of days up here, there is still day to day life to deal with.

The biggest difference is that there is a reduced amount of responsibility.  When my world felt hectic a lot of the built up stress got released being here.  Sure I still get stressed, and I have personal day-to-day responsibilities and a life even I leave, but it’s all manageable and doesn’t hit me like it used to. I have needed this break from ‘normal’ life to reassess my own life.  I don’t feel overloaded and I’m learning who I am, how to appreciate and love myself the way others can towards me, and I’m learning how to ‘be me’. Altogether it’s helping me cope with my mental health.

There are times now where I’m getting anxious. I’m over the halfway mark, and although I have started piecing together in my head what I might do when I leave here to start a better life, I have no idea of how to make a lot of the ideas work or if those parts/change will actually impact me positively enough.  I have had a lot of suggestions on where to go and what to do, but I keep getting anxious thinking too far ahead or feeling pressured.

I have also learned to be open to opportunity and let opportunities happen. This has helped reduced my anxiety a lot.  I get so worked up on trying to be successful or in control I miss out on a lot of opportunities.  Even some equipment failures out here, instead of doing it my way I have been open to other people’s input, and been given opportunity.  Each time I’ve taken an opportunity it’s put me on a different path to what I expected, but almost always has turned out better than I expected.

At the end of the 3 month period I probably won’t know exactly what to do with my life, but I’m starting to think of the right questions to ask that spark opportunity and start putting a plan into action as to where to start.  I’m not thinking to hard about that stuff at the moment, but instead I’m setting myself achievable mini goals up here, and not getting disappointed if the goal becomes to difficult or dangerous.

I am currently camped near the Pretty Valley Hut, only a 7km ski tour to civilisation, and I am ok both mentally and with my equipment and provisions.

I am safe, learning to appreciate life and the good things about me, acknowledging and expressing my feelings more, and I’m becoming a better person in my eyes.  I’m becoming more accepting of other people, and who they are and the way they choose to choose to express themselves. For now all I’m trying to focus on is me.  Being me, and being me in an environment I can be me.

Oh and don’t worry, anyone following me on social media will start to get bombarded with a lot of questions about direction after here soon. 😉

So remember, even if you think this is my only form of ‘blog’ and don’t have any social media visit instagram.com/bigmtnskier to keep up with the daily story.

Arohanui,
Me, ooops ahem I mean
Simon ❤