Posted on July 9, 2018
Blog 3, day 17
Looks like the blogs are going to be each time I recharge power, so every 8-10 days for 6hrs ill have a chance to put my focus into writing.
So today I write my blog from the Falls Creek village (and this one is purely about my mental health, not what other stuff I have been doing during the previous days).
Looking around the village I see so many people with ‘unnecessary’ possessions, and wonder how many of them need money or other things to be happy and feel good, and how many are caught in the rat race. I’m not judging, just observing what I see.
And then amongst my people watching I’m curious what this ‘wanting and having’ is covering up in peoples lives, and how many people have pushed things under the rug that don’t know how to speak out and talk openly to someone. Mental health, along with a lot of other types of bumps in the road at some stage of people’s lives, are very common and should be looked at differently by society. No-one is alone, someone else has been, or is going through, similar things to someone else.
Im noticing that every choice I have made since realising I had mental health issues has helped me get to where I am now and what is ‘needed’ and ‘real’.
I have had my tonsils removed because I found out I had sleep apnea and wasn’t getting proper sleep.
I stopped drinking alcohol after realising it was hiding/covering many issues and bringing out a false personality that got me into trouble both with girls and with my adventurous lifestyle (most friends have met ‘Bruno’).
I went vegan for many reasons, which has helped cleanse my body and do my small part for the environment.
I reached out and asked for help from professionals when my mental health rapidly declined.
I found out how much I would be missed in this world if I did end my life, and how many people actually care.
It’s hard to see that last one when blinded by everything else but a dark hole with no light, and im glad I pulled through and appreciate more and more each day where I am now.
The toughest one for me now is actually sugar and junk food. It’s highly addictive, in particular acidic sweets and drinks. Having some pure maple syrup with porridge in the morning and stevia tabs with black coffee or tea is nothing like what I would normally have, and feels a lot healthier.
I feel like in a way this is what it probably feels like for a long term smoker to give up cold turkey.
I tested myself with coca cola and redbull whilst here in the village and the feeling of junk is getting a little weird and taboo. My body is realising I don’t need it, and it does affect the brain. But a part of me still enjoys it, so I have a long way to go on that front and be more strict on moderation (another hurdle in my life, impulsivity and over indulging).
Everything else has been easy to give up straight away – cold turkey, except sugar (which I kept telling people is my last ‘vice’).
My body and mind is also becoming capable of things I didn’t think were possible being out here, and walls I thought couldn’t be pushed through I am starting to smash down.
One of the best things is talking to real people who understand, or talking to people openly with a common passion. Once you open up, people talk back with their experiences. It builds trust and let’s you know who good people are, and who ‘fake’ people are (people that aren’t being there true self). And these people that you trust and talk with shouldn’t be ‘carers’ or ‘helpers’, but positive people you can share positive energy with.
Having phone calls or messaging is great, but having people in person to talk to brings out so much more (at least I find that personally, I’m not saying that resonates with everyone).
And having people to talk to close by that are real people (ie even a 2-3hr ski-tour in the dark to see a select few nearby), is highly beneficial to ones health too. A ‘companion’, ‘amazing friend’, ‘partner’, ‘family’, ‘close colleague’, ‘cherished common acquaintance’ – basically people that matter in your life, that you can be completely honest and trusting with.
This is also just as important as being able to have your time (whether your own time involves mindfulness, meditation, being in a flow state, exercise, peace and quiet away from light and noise pollution, personal stability, spending time loving yourself, or whatever other ‘your time’ works for you).
Im still taking mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medication, and have no intention to stop taking those from fear of previous bad withdrawals from medicinal changes or disruptions in the past. It would not be a good environment to do so out here, best to wait until talked to in person with a professional to alter anything like that. So medication is still a large part of helping me stay in control, but trying hard enough I can control my body more, to be more resilient to negative effects in body/life/brain etc.
I really hope people can somewhat relate to, or understand all this, despite ‘society-norms’, fear, or stigma.
I’m also trying to avoid being preachy in these blogs, but I’m finally emerging from a shell and actually communicating (still only selectively to close people, but somewhat in a very open way to all).
I’ll put up a wee Instagram post soon, with a link to this blog update, and write another blog next time I recharge.
And all the usual links are on this page to continue to support this journey and my return to civilisation at the end of winter.
Once I am settled and stable again I would like find ways to allow others to find help if they need it. I just need to remind myself from time to time that I am the most important person in life, just as everyone else should be too. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stop caring about others, but you need to put yourself first.
And the goals set at particular dollar targets haven’t been forgotten, just waiting for the right time to safely do each.